


A day in the life of Connor Murphy, or the time a main character set the plot in action

by hofflepomp



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Canon Compliant, Dark, Gen, I'm Sorry, POV Connor, Suicide, but I really wanted to do this?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 17:47:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14194362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hofflepomp/pseuds/hofflepomp
Summary: A play by play of Connor Murphy's last day on earth.





	A day in the life of Connor Murphy, or the time a main character set the plot in action

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a oneshot, but if people like it I can dd other chapters about this day from the perspective of other people on this musical.

Waking up was hell. Living itself, was hell. This seemed like a generalization of what a depressed person would think life was like and that pissed Connor Murphy off. Because living _was_ hell. His parents clearly favored his sister over him, he had no friends, and his grades only went above the Ds in English, when he got points for being a grammar nerd and reading in class.

Connor kicked his covers off the bed and shoved on his glasses. He was already wearing his hoodie and shirt (he almost never took them off, they were gross), and pulled on jeans. He had decided the night before that today was going to be his last, and he might as well act like it was normal.

A terrifying thought struck him. If he didn’t act normal, somebody might suspect what he was going to do, and he might lose his chance. He tip toed into his parent’s bathroom, and grabbed his dad’s bottle of sleeping pills. They would do the trick if he needed them, and his dad wouldn’t look for them until that night, when he needed them. By then, Connor would be long gone.

The thought almost made him happy, that in less than 24 hours he would not exist. He ran downstairs and pulled on his black converse as he sat at the kitchen table. He had a moment to eat his cereal and his orange before the constant torture of being him caught up with him.

His mom was fussing over everything, and Connor just wanted to eat in peace. When she grabbed his orange peel off his plate to put in the food waste bin with a short “You need to finish that, Connor. Today is a big day.” He gulped. Now came the hard part.

“I’m not going. Everyone there hates me.” He knew he would have to go, but it was normal schedule to complain about going to school.

“It’s your senior year, Connor. You are not missing the first day.”

“I already said I’d go tomorrow. I’m trying to find a compromise here.” Zoe snickered, knowing he wasn’t. His mom looked at his dad exasperatedly and sighed.

“Are you going to get involved here or are you to busy on your email, Larry?” His dad looked up from his computer.

“You have top go to school, Connor.”

“That’s all you have to say?” Connor started to zone out a bit, taking a bite of cereal.

“What do you want me to say? He doesn’t listen. Look at him. He’s not listening. He’s probably high.” Connor wasn’t high. He might have been playing the “normal” part too hard, because he hadn’t done anything today. By now he was usually screaming his head off at somebody about one thing or another.

“he’s definitely high,” Sang Zoe, not looking up from her phone. God, Connor wasn’t sure who he hated more. This family, or himself. So, he spoke up.

“Fuck You.” Zoe looked at him, and repeated the phrase, as if it had no meaning. “Fuck you.” It didn’t really have any meaning. Not to Connor or Zoe at least. This was one exchange that would probably happen every day if the two of them were both alive, which Connor reminded himself wasn’t for much longer.

His mom didn’t seem to realize this. “I don’t need you picking on your brother right now. That is not constructive.” Because of course she was taking his side. On just the day where it didn’t matter if she did or not.

Zoe snorted. “Are you kidding?”

“Besides,” his mom continued. “He is not high.”

She looked at Connor for confirmation. He wasn’t, but he played along. This meant that he said nothing.

“I do not want you going to school high, Connor. We have talked about this.”

“Perfect. So, then I won’t go. Thanks, mom.” He stormed up to his room. This was a lot calmer when he was just pretending to have these reactions. If he hadn’t been trying to be normal, he probably would have said something about how he wished he was high or started laughing midway through the conversation because of how simply tragic this family was. He set his backpack up, however, knowing that going to school was inevitable.

He started packing up his bag faster when he heard Zoe from downstairs. “If Connor’s not ready, I’m leaving without him.”

. . .

Connor climbed into his car that he resentfully shared with Zoe and turned his key. Without fastening his seatbelt, he started backing out of the driveway. Despite the two of them being the only people in the car, Zoe was in the back seat trying to lean away from him. Another thing that would come from his death would be good: Zoe would get the car.

He sped to school, and when they got there, he walked out with the keys, leaving Zoe in the car to get her stuff. He didn’t lock it. She had her own keys. He took off his glasses and shoved them into his backpack. He would die if anybody saw him wearing them. Then again, later he would die anyway. He still, however, kept his glasses off.

And he put them in his backpack just in the nick of time anyway, because strolling around the corner came Jared Kleinman, who would definitely have a hoot out of Connor wearing his huge glasses. Next to Jared was Evan Hansen, who Connor had always felt a tiny bit weirded out by. He seemed nice, but then hung out with Jared. He could never seem to make a speech or finish a sentence, but he always got good grades.

“Hey Connor,” Jared began. “Loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic.” Connor stopped walking and turned to him. He gave him the most hurt, withering glare he could in his calm state, and hoped Jared would leave him alone.

“I was kidding. It was a joke,” Jared said, taking a nervous step back. Was this kid for real?

“Yeah, no, it was funny. I’m laughing. Can’t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” was the response Connor gave, not caring at all what Jared said back. Hewas going to feel so bad the next day… Connor was giving him the chance to apologize right now, but of course Jared wouldn’t take it.

Instead, he laughed, clearly scared of Connor, and responded “You’re such a freak!” before spinning on his heal and walking quickly away.

Connor was fine with the way that conversation had ended. In general, he felt kind of _meh_ about the entire day so far.

The only problem was that Evan had laughed too. This small act of betrayal, though Evan and Connor had not once had a conversation, made him so angry. What gave Evan the right to make fun of him? The poor kid was a basket case himself. He couldn’t go a week without crying at least once, and he was wearing a fucking polo shirt.

So, Connor yelled some things he couldn’t remember, and pushed him. As he walked away, he saw the scared and upset look on Evan’s face, and worse, the cast that encased his arm.

Now Connor was hurting injured people. He was just great. As he walked into his first classroom, he became aware of just how much happier people would be when he wasn’t there. Eventually, he would be forgotten. And that was the best thing of all.

Instead of losing himself in a book, on tumblr, or doing homework that he had “forgotten” to do over the summer, Connor just let the dark thoughts come and stared at the blank wall. In the corner of the room, the only other students that were there at this time (it was fifteen minutes before class started, so almost nobody was there) were chatting. Sabrina Patel and the new girl, Dana were chatting about how excited they were for the new school year.

The two probably had new preppy backpacks, notebooks, and pencils that looked cute as a button and made them seem likable to all their teachers. Connor knew this kind of kid. His sister was one of them, even though she was a grade younger, there were still girls like this in her grade.

Another kid walked in, but Connor didn’t really care. “Hey look, it’s the gay kid.” Another kid who was outside laughed. “Whaddup gay kid,” he said, walking forward, and pushing Connor’s head forward so that it slammed against the desk. The pain swelled in him, and he registered that it was there, but didn’t do anything about it. Today he would let people be mean to him. They deserved some fun.

The rest of the day was a series of activities where he had to pretend to like things, or want things, or pretend he wanted to do something when he grew up. That was all the first day of school ever was. Introductory activities. It was nice not having to do any actual work. He could see the teachers enjoyed it too.

He went to the library after school to figure out the exact plan for his death. He had the pills, and he knew he wanted to do it in the park, where there were lots of trees and nature so that he would die with a pretty image in his eyes.

He would go home after school, and say he had homework to do. He had had homework on the first day last year, so it was plausible. He would lock his bedroom door, which, again, was normal behavior, and then sneak out the window and go to the park with nothing but the bottle of pills. He would get there, swallow all of them, and climb a tree. He would sit and look at the pretty view as he died.

This didn’t seem like a terrible way to go.

Next to him, one of the printers came to life. A sheet of paper came out, and Connor decided to do one last nice thing before he died. He picked it up and looked at it. The first line said “ _Dear Evan Hansen,”_ It was for Evan. The kid he had pushed earlier. He had a chance to make that right. One last message before he was gone. He set off from the printer to the computer lab where it would have been printed from.

He looked in. Empty. He set off again to go back to the library, where there were a few computers, but the internet was very slow. Only Evan would use those computers.

He walked up to them in the library with the note still in hand and tapped his shoulder. Not the one with the cast on it, however.

“So. What happened to your arm?” Connor started. He didn’t want to seem in a rush to leave. He was trying to be nice for goodness sake. To Connor, Evan was a fragile person who would get hurt easily.

“Oh, I um, I fell out of a tree actually.” How ironic, that Connor was going to climb one later. He laughed a tiny bit.

“You fell out of a tree? That is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Oh my god.” So much for being nice. Connor was ruining this.

“I know,” Evan responded, looking like he agreed with Connor. His face was kind of pale. Connor decided to start over.

“Nobody’s signed your cast,” He pointed out.

“No, I know.” Evan looked a tiny bit wounded, but Connor kept going. He could make Evan feel better. He was sure of it.

“I’ll sign it.”

Evan looked at him in shock. His eyes were widened, and his mouth was twitching at the corners, as if he couldn’t believe that Connor actually wanted to do that, to publicly announce his association with him.

“Oh. Um… You don’t have too.” Jesus this kid did not seem able to take a hint that Connor was trying to be nice. Connor supposed that he could be like that too. He felt bad for the people who lived or talked to him.

“Do you have a sharpie?” Evan didn’t respond, and only took out a sharpie, and held out his hand for Connor to take it. Connor noticed that Evan tried not to touch Connor. It could easily be interpreted as being rude, but after having this conversation with Evan, he could see that he was probably just touch averse right now. Connor Wrote a big “C” on the cast, and then realized that he would have to cover the entire side of it if he wanted his name to not look stupid. He finished his name and noticed Evan’s look of dismay at the ruined cast.

“Now we can both pretend that we have friends,” Connor pointed out, trying to be funny. The joke fell flat.

“Good point.”

There was silence between the two boys.

Evan takes back the marker and starts to get ready to go. Desperate for one last attempt, Connor holds out the paper that was Evan’s, suddenly remembering why he came here.

“Is this yours? I found it on the printer, “Dear Evan Hansen” that’s your name, right?”

“Oh, that’s stupid, it’s a paper I had to write for a um, for an assignment.” Connor glanced at the paper. He saw the words “All my hope is pinned on Zoe” and “Would anybody notice if I disappeared tomorrow?” and he made a decision. This would work as a suicide note for him. Nobody would notice when he disappeared tonight. It would work. But how to take it… 

The words about Zoe swam across his vision, and Connor had a realization about Evan's true intent with the note. 

“‘Because there’s Zoe.’ Is this about my sister?” It was. Connor saw her talking to Evan earlier and saw the looks that Evan gave her. He was smitten. And who wouldn’t be? Zoe was perfect. Connor was flawed and horrible. Evan didn’t want to be his friend. Why would he?

Evan had planted the note so that Connor would find it and see the creepy shit that Evan had written about his sister. That was why he had been acting so nervous throughout their conversation.

Again, Connor didn’t remember any of the stuff he said, only that it was mean, and Connor didn’t mean any of it. As he stormed out, he took the note with him. It would be his final words.

HE pulled out his phoned when he got to the car, and saw a text from Zoe. “ _Just take the car and leave without me,”_ The text read. “ _I’m getting boba with friends.”_

Perfect. Connor got in the car and drove as far as he could from the school. He stopped at the old abandoned orchard that he used to go to as a kid. It was still light out, but the drive was long, and school got out late. He would be able to see one last sunset, and that was it. The view really was gorgeous, and Connor knew that this was better than the plan that he had made in the library.

He grabbed a water bottle out of his bag, as well as the bottle of pills. He ran up to the tallest one of the trees and and set about climbing up about halfway. There was a crook in the tree that looked easy to get to and Connor knew would support his weight. He and Zoe had climbed here when they were little. When the two still liked each other. When he knew what being truly happy was like.

The sun was setting ahead of him across the skyline filled with trees. He dumped the pills in his mouth and swallowed with a bunch of water. There was no going back.

He chucked the bottles into the wind and made sure the note was in his pocket. He needed it.

Connor took out his phone and turned on the tracker app that his mom had installed for emergencies. He wanted his body to be found. He settled himself in the crook of two branches, and watched the sun go down.

As his eyes closed for the last time, his only thought was that all he could see was sky for forever.

His last words were breathed in the chilly night air. 

"I'm not sorry."

And he let his head drop.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow that was dark. Tell me how you feel about it please? Any feedback is good feedback!


End file.
